Changes

Change is not something I have ever felt comfortable with. 

Far from it. Change has always been something I avoided vehemently.

Being out of my routine has been a real source of anxiety for me throughout my entire life. Some huge life events I’ve handled better than others (like moving in with my husband, getting married…the fun things), but certain massive changes have been terrifying and overwhelming (I’m looking at you pregnancy/becoming a mother!).

And then, 2020 hit and the whole world changed. The landscape of life as we knew it drastically altered. Not only was I wrestling with being a new mother, looking after a baby all on my own while my husband was at work, now I had a global pandemic to deal with?! We all did, and it was scary on so many levels.

My husband switched to working from home – a welcome change because he would be around for all our son’s milestones, a calming and wonderful presence in our daily lives.

My parents, brother and best friends couldn’t come over for dinners or coffees anymore – a devastating change that left us all reeling and trying to figure out how to stay in the loop on each other’s lives as much as possible.

In this time, perhaps as a coping mechanism, I began obsessively changing my social media profile picture. Who even was I anymore, without my family and friends around me? I still don’t quite know.

Me at 25 Weeks pregnant and terrified vs. me on my 28th birthday, a new mom, still terrified but finally calm and at peace – change at its finest!

In this time, I also changed my iPhone aesthetic 7 times. What defines me as a person, as a woman? Is it dried flowers, neon illustrations, my love for the Victorian era, greens or blues or purples or oranges? Again, I still don’t quite know…but these aesthetics take like four hours each to create, so I really hope I’m close to figuring it out.

In this time, I bought a new couch, something that I was so reluctant to do before 2020 because of the hassle of booking the moving elevator in my condo building and ordering a moving truck. Somehow, I got over these hang-ups and decided 2020 was the ideal time to rearrange my entire living room. Go figure.

Then I asked my husband to paint one of our walls purple (coincidence, much?). Then I bought floral wallpaper to decorate another wall. Then I switched my son’s crib to a proper bed. Then I dyed my hair violet all by myself for the first time ever.

Then…I changed my entire blog name and design in a whim one evening.

Life is full of changes – we, as a society, know that better now than ever. So I find myself wondering, what was there to be afraid of? Some changes are more daunting than others, for sure, but isn’t change better than sitting at home every day with only Netflix for company? I don’t think I’ll ever say No to a spontaneous outing, an unexpected visit, a last-minute invitation again. Because routine isn’t what makes life exciting or, well, livable. Change, constant movement and evolution, is.

jng

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